Sunday, October 16, 2011

On the eating of feelings

So, day one back on food.  The plan was to stay raw.  It failed.  Miserably.

The day started off well enough with some watermelon, and then an apple and raw cashews as a pre-gym snack.  Then I got back, had to get ready to go a friend's party, and got in a serious funk and could not remove myself.  And thus, I had two peanut butter cups. 

Went to the party, was sufficiently de-funked, and ended up having potato chips, gummi bears, and two beers, in addition to veggies from the veggie tray I brought with the intention of keeping myself from eating crap.  Oops.  On the way home, my friend that I carpooled with stopped for dinner at a vegan place.  It was not raw, but it was delicious.

And then.  On the way home, we got rear-ended by an idiot.  It's my second car accident in two months and I'm just so stressed and annoyed and freaked out by driving, so I responded by coming home and eating a lot of pretzels that were a component of the seven layer bars I'm now making.  And then another peanut butter cup. 

The good news:  my stomach has felt fine through all of this.

The bad news:  I have not always been hungry while eating this stuff.  I have been actively conscious of my nonhunger, and I have eaten anyway.

One of the things I wanted out of this cleanse was to become more conscious of my emotional eating.  And I definitely am; the next step is putting a stop to it.  I somehow feel very fortunate that I'm not a lot heavier with the amount of eating I do based on my emotions.  I remember laughing during Mean Girls the first time I heard the phrase "girls who eat their feelings", and I've used it a lot without shame in the past.  And I still don't think there should be shame associated with it, but I know that of late my feelings have not been awesome.  So why would I want to eat them?  I remember at one point talking about how I don't mind emotional eating, because it's at least a coping mechanism, and why should I try and get rid of that?  But I've realized now that while it may be a way of coping, it's not a way of getting to the root of my feelings and dealing with them.  So I'm going to be working more on that.  Right after I finish a piece of freshly baked seven layer bar.

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