Monday, November 12, 2012

Commitmentphobia, or how I learned to stop being such a douchebag and start acting like an adult

It occurs to me that I haven't really been able to commit to anything lately.  I have been putting in a solid 50% to precisely everything I do.  Putting in just enough to get by, never more.
And it's finally occurred to me why.  I am absolutely fucking terrified of getting hurt again.  I don't want to get burned by a city, or a job, or friends, let alone a guy.  I haven't let that last one close enough to even consider being hurt, but even the other three, I've been holding at arm's length.  I'm Fox Mulder.  I trust no one.
And so if I'm not putting in my full effort, then I can on one hand be not that invested, and on the other, I can blame myself if things go awry.  It feels like I still have control of the situation.  If, on the other hand, I go full out and give it my all, then there's nothing I can do.  Nothing I could have done, if it goes wrong.  I usually hate that.  I usually prefer blaming someone else. 
I think it's that I'm afraid of failing again.  If I don't have real goals, I can't not achieve them.  If I come to this city already planning on leaving, then I don't have to feel weird if I'm not able to put down roots.
And yet, I'm still going through the motions.  Starting grad school.  Buying a place.  Making friends. 

I've been selfish and hedonistic ever since I moved to DC.  I have been utterly unlike myself.  I've been living only in the now, not because I've learned to enjoy the moment, but because I feel like I can't count on the future.

My life is my life.  I gave it up awhile back.  I still can't believe I spent almost four years just completely forgetting to have goals.  I can't believe I was so very willing to just piggyback my life on someone else's.

I can't believe it's been such a process, getting myself back.  And yet, I guess this is life.  It's not that scary if you don't let it be.

I'll say it again.  This is my life.  This is not a stopgap on the way to Seattle.  This is my life, and it can be whatever I want it to be.  I just have to want more out of it.

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