It occurs to me that I haven't really been able to commit to anything lately. I have been putting in a solid 50% to precisely everything I do. Putting in just enough to get by, never more.
And it's finally occurred to me why. I am absolutely fucking terrified of getting hurt again. I don't want to get burned by a city, or a job, or friends, let alone a guy. I haven't let that last one close enough to even consider being hurt, but even the other three, I've been holding at arm's length. I'm Fox Mulder. I trust no one.
And so if I'm not putting in my full effort, then I can on one hand be not that invested, and on the other, I can blame myself if things go awry. It feels like I still have control of the situation. If, on the other hand, I go full out and give it my all, then there's nothing I can do. Nothing I could have done, if it goes wrong. I usually hate that. I usually prefer blaming someone else.
I think it's that I'm afraid of failing again. If I don't have real goals, I can't not achieve them. If I come to this city already planning on leaving, then I don't have to feel weird if I'm not able to put down roots.
And yet, I'm still going through the motions. Starting grad school. Buying a place. Making friends.
I've been selfish and hedonistic ever since I moved to DC. I have been utterly unlike myself. I've been living only in the now, not because I've learned to enjoy the moment, but because I feel like I can't count on the future.
My life is my life. I gave it up awhile back. I still can't believe I spent almost four years just completely forgetting to have goals. I can't believe I was so very willing to just piggyback my life on someone else's.
I can't believe it's been such a process, getting myself back. And yet, I guess this is life. It's not that scary if you don't let it be.
I'll say it again. This is my life. This is not a stopgap on the way to Seattle. This is my life, and it can be whatever I want it to be. I just have to want more out of it.
No comments:
Post a Comment